i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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