6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
