piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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