Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
