she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
