dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
