I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
