dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
