Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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