; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
