but the lizard people decide everything anyway
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
