OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
