someone threw a dead crab at me
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
