Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
