Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
