I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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