you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Did I show you my penis last night?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
