Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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