I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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