I want to have your abortion
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
