I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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