I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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