Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
