There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
