those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
