he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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