don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
