I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
