I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
