when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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