She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
