please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
