Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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