I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
