oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
