...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
