Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
