note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
