As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
