My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
