Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
