To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
