i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
