I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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