im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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