Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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