she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
