I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
