dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
