Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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