oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
