Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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