stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
