i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
